To be his Wife...

To be his wife.. Who would have thought who could have thought. Of course I always imagined being the wife of a wonderful man someday. Most young girls dream of loving husbands and babies. I'm no exception. To be his wife however is so much more than playing house and day dreaming ever could have prepared me for. To be blindsided by this unique human being who is so seperate from me and yet so close. I'm sure I've said before I feel like I've always known him that my life our lives surely never existed apart from eachother he seems to fit so well.

To be his wife seems the highest calling God has given me to love honor obey and cherish this man every day the way God loves and cherishes me. A pretty high calling the very highest perhaps God could call me to and yet I find myself joyfully faithfully prayerfully and with tremendous joy and anticipation diving into it. Loving Steven being his wife being his parter helper lover friend and wife seems like the exact thing I want to be. Steve feels like home...

We had a rough day spent pouring over our meager budget compared to our future hopes and past failures and then driving all over town to find a place to live. Our first "home" What a rough raked over the coals day it felt like to me. I felt stripped and anything but loving but at the heart of all of the thoughts whirling in my brain and the list of chores and resposibilities choices and challenges ahead of us at the heart at the center of it was the simple fact of being his wife clinging to him loving him there is nothing I would rather do no one I would rather be than faithful to God loving and cleaving to this husband he's providing for me. Steve is the gift God has given me on days when I feel raw and rough he has given me this man who's shoulder God molded to fit my head. I can hug him or rest my head on his shoulder and we both feel recharged rejuvenated and ready to face the next task.

Steve and I have learned so so much in the last year its impossible to look back without thinking and seeing the leaps and bounds God has took us thru to prepare us for Oct 11, 2008. We thought we knew so much we thought we were so ready a year ago... obviously we weren't or we would have married a year ago. God has been soooo faithful to us and his provision so perfect in so many ways his leadership and guidance in our relationship has been essential will be essential. It is our prayer that when we're old and gray bouncing great grand babies on our bionic knees or even at our funerals that the best thing that could be said about our lives our marriage is "They trusted the Lord" We strive for that we remind eachother of that when we owe $300 to our florist and our car breaks down and costs $300 to fix. And putting the flowers off til next pay day means putting off something else til the pay day after that but God faithfully provides and we trust him and know he is good marriage is good and we count down...only a month left...

How could you resist? They're already flower girls!

Look at those faces... so young so sweet. So completely totally ready and excited to look cute scatter leaves and wear princess dresses! This is Niah and Olivia Briggs, my flower girls. I needed a big pretty girl who could handle the responsibility of sprinkling leaves for me to walk on and I needed an adorable fairy-girl to carry a special kissing ball. Where was I going to find such special young ladies as these... right in my own church... Niah and Olivia are church family they are my friend Kelly's daughters I grew up with their Daddy, and their uncle is part of the reason why i'm a star wars nerd. Their Mimi was my sunday school teacher and it just seems fitting to include part of my church family in my wedding party. I know they don't realize what having church family in my wedding party means to me they're just excited to wear a pretty dress and scatter flowers and leaves but its fitting for me. My church family has always been a HUGE important part of my life. Niah has been hard at work crafting me wedding cakes out of play do and Olivia was soo cute dancing around in her gold sparkly shoes. Shoes are never as cute as when they're on the feet of an excited little girl dancing around.
I remember dreaming and planning from a young age all about my wedding to come how i imagined flowers and frilly dresses sunshine and cake and of course a handsome prince. My dreams are so close to becoming a reality its time to bring those dreams to life in sweet little girls who will learn that the best Princes are the ones God introduces you to and that beautiful weddings and marriages are his special gift to show he loves us. Besides if I hadn't asked them I wouldn't have anyone to wear these perfect leaf filled dresses :)

Remembering a special, stressful time....

It was a year ago these past few days that Steve and I experienced a little upheavel a lot of joy a lot of sorrow and a lot of faith. It was a year ago today that I hopped on a plane to fly to Texas to take care of my grandma. It was a year ago yesterday that we talked to my Dad and Steve asked his blessing to marry me and it was a year ago saturday that Steve gave me a beautiful sparkling ring full of all of the hope promise and joy we're experiencing today weeks away from our wedding.

We have never had a fight so grandiose so heart wrenching so long as when i first told Steve I had been asked to go to Texas. I dunno if it was really a fight so much as a shock. We had to trust the Lord and walk by faith clinging crying heart wrenching faith! I knew that God wanted me to go I knew I had to go and serve my family that way. When I got the call from my aunt I knew I needed to go I knew it was God's plan for me and for us. I didn't know how to tell Steve I prayed for a week trying to figure it out I talked to my Dad and trusted friends. My Dad told me that time is to love what air is to fire or some kind of metaphor like that... Where love left to sit like a fire burns hotter brighter and stronger. It was an appropriate example of exactly what would happen. We spent 4 months apart a small amount of time shorter than we had expected but we didn't know when i got on that plane if it would be a month or a year or if we'd get married and fly back to Texas. God worked in that time taught us some lessons about eahother taught us to communicate taught us what it mean to love eachother in a comitted forgiving and unconditional way. He also taught us to grasp cling and rely only on Him. I think we're still learning lessons from this experience and I just wanted to mention it... A whole year with a sparkly ring on my finger. A whole year as Steve's fiance and a whole year of beign prepared stretched and molded into the wife God would have me be to Steve.

I love you Pookie-pie

I used to say this into the darkness every night for countless years and across the room in a little girl voice came the response " I love you too Dedee-plum" Oh how the years have changed that adorable baby that was MY baby. The cute as pie toddler that spoke in baby babble only I could understand. The precocious child with a jutted out hip rocking out to the Spice Girls and finally a moody teenager who is the most beautiful young woman I've ever seen... That's my baby sister... Is there anyone else you can ask to be your maid of honor when you have a sister? I can't imagine how? She's 16 now much younger than my other 2 bridesmaids but she is my sister.
I was sooo excited when I found out my mom was gonna have a baby and I knew I hoped and probably insisted that it be a baby sister. I told my parents if it was a boy I'd dress it in girl clothes. I wanted a sister I needed a little sister I could do big sister things with like curl hair and paint toes get ears pierced and dress in frilly frilly dresses and of course slumber parties.... I had always wanted a big sister to do those things for me sadly being the oldest I didn't have the luxury but I was determined that I would be the kind of big sister to my little sister that I had always wanted! Well life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.... My little sister not so much into the curling of hair and playing with makeup when she was younger I'd fight to get a curling iron in her hair it wouldn't hold a curl anyways haha. She was always into clothes tho which was too fun until she grew out of the sweet little girl clothes I'd buy her. Now everything I like she hates hahaha She is still my sister tho my sweet beautiful sister and my baby... Every year on her birthday since her first one I tear up and have a little cry something along the lines of "My baby's not a baby anymore" She was my baby she still is sometimes when she'll let me hug her close and run my fingers thru her hair... Charel taught me more about being a mommy and taking care of kids then i ever learned babysitting even 16 years later. Could there be any other choice for a maid of honor than a sweet little girl you helped raised and whose diapers you changed whose ears you pierced. I've had to let go somewhat over the years and not be so parental with her I'm still learning who she is and learning to love her for who she is and not who I want her to be. Steve helps with that Steve loves her and she loves him in ways I don't understand. They love to pick on eachother and play video games together.

Why all the nostalgic memories and such well I guess you could say its my way of reminding her how important she is to me how thankful I am for a little sister who is my opposite how I appreciate all the help she's been while I've planned our wedding and how grateful I am we finally agreed on her dress and it came in today... We had to go see it and try it on its so exciting....

Dear sweet sissy little charkle I hope you always know how very loved you are by me and by Steve how proud I am of the young lady you are and that I pray for the Woman you'll become. I pray that you would learn from my mistakes and also trust God as I've tried to do. You get to be my maid of honor my first choice my only choice and Steve and I will always love you and be here for you if you need us... just like we know we can count on you for free babysitting when the time comes... :) I love you Pookie-pie!!!

Be our Guest...There'll be cake...

Our wedding invitations are now zooming their way around the country and being hand delivered to special friends. I'm really happy with them. We made them from a DIY kit. I knew I wanted something with leaves to convey my leaf obsession in everything from cake to color and flowers but every invitation I saw in a catalog wasn't quite what I wanted or was way too much money to justify spending for a piece of paper people were most likely going to toss in a pile and throw away at some point. So I found these very sweet sage green cards with vellum very basic then I found these vividly colored fall leaf stickers( all on clearance hello God provides!!! ) my creative juices started flowing and ta da you have my invitation each one is unique and believe me when I tell you each one was lovingly carefully and thoughtfully put together! Steve and I started looking at how to word them when I was still in Texas haha we looked up we combined our creative poetic brains and we scoured the internet for examples we finally came down to the Final 5... we mixed we twisted we became wizards of wordplay and I think we did a great job! I personally fed my printer each sheet of vellum and pulled out the mangled bent masses as well. My mom, my sister and I placed each sticker on each card and My sister and her friend Franco tied the vellum to every card and stuffed them in envelopes. I baked them a cake to say thank you! And our invitations are out its official and now we wait and eagerly check email every chance we get to see if anyone has RSVP'd yet. Please RSVP it would make Steve so happy :)

I'm so blessed by my friends!!!

I see these ladies every week some I've seen every week of my life... They nurture me they support me their generosity surprises and astounds me. I am so blessed by the ladies at my church specifically the girls my own age but every woman there is a blessing a wise grandmother to a young newly wed like me who wants to talk about cute shoes. These ladies give me so much. Some of them even are doing so much just to help make my wedding special I'm blessed by their love by their generosity by their creativity and by their friendship... This is my Thank you and maybe a behind the scenes look at some of the inner workings of my wedding.

Mrs. Kelly Briggs- Kelly has been so sweet any question I ask any advice she gives her heart is so sweet and so full I have spoke to her and immediately felt a huge relief like it wasn't as big a deal as I thought she also so graciously let me pour over her beautiful scrapbooks when I was in my "have to look at every wedding related thing" phase. When all is said and done I know Kelly will lead me and answer any question I have in making my own beautiful scrapbook. She is also letting me make her beautiful daughters my flower girls! I'm thrilled I can bless her family by making some joyful smiling girls princesses for a day.

Mrs. Fawn Parsons- Fawn is going to be my photographer she takes beautiful pictures we feel so blessed to know her she has a heart of gold and is so sweet and enthusiastic. Every photograph is a new angle or perspective I know she will help capture all the sweet moments of our big day and we'll cherish her gift for the rest of our lives. She took the pictures of Danae and Kelly I think she takes the picture at just the right moment to capture the persons true beauty!

Mrs Lindy Briggs- has been such a huge help as we're planning to do a slide show with cutsie pics of us as kids as well as pics of just our relationship. Lindy is also a dear friend she's my brother's best friends wife... If it wasn't for Kyle and Daniel (her husband) I wouldn't be as nerdy as I am or as open to all the nerdy geekiness that is my Steve. We have so much fun with her and Dan seeing movies and eating ice cream. We miss hanging out with them but we're sooo excited about what God is doing in their lives. I can't wait to see you fat and pregnant at the wedding Lindy dear!
Mrs. Kim Cordero- Kim is a great friend and was so sweet to me when I was looking for a job she let me babysit for her every week and that allowed me to knock out some early wedding plans. I also have had tremendous fun with her shopping and watching her kids grow. Her kids are so cute it makes it hard not to want 10 of em!

Mrs. Danae Lear- Dearest Danae is so sweet to offer to help me decorate she's also had tons of creative ideas to help save money and has just been someone fun to talk to. She can relate to my feelings of frustration not seeing Steve as much as I'd like. We hope to spend more time with her and her husband in the future going on double dates and inviting them over to our place for dinner. (I'll totally make turkey if you want Danae)

Mrs Deana Jooste- This list would not be complete without my Deana... Even tho I don't see her every Sunday anymore she is no less important than any of these other women. Deana was such a huge encouragement to me she recommended books like "I kissed dating goodbye" and introduced me to a new way of looking at relationships and marriage her encouragement pointed me to the true author of my love story Our Heavenly Father. It is only fitting I asked her to be my bridesmaid. Deana was one of the first people from out of town to plan a trip just for my wedding she loves me and I love her. We have been friends since the day I was born. I'm so glad she'll be there on my special day! Bless her heart she told me she wouldn't miss it for the world.

If you haven't noticed already there's a running theme here... Every one of these Women is already married I'm the last one out of every girl I grew up with at church I'm the last one to get married. I like to think God did it that way on purpose so they could all be the sweet support they've been so they could all bless me in the many ways that they have and so they can make my wedding exactly the way I want it to be... Once again I am so amazingly blessed by these women their friendship and their love and knowing I have them to lean on and knowing we have each other to go to come what may is all part of the way God made the church a family. To my special sweet sisters you have blessed me and loved me in ways I cannot repay and I am so thankful for you!

Speechless I thy mercy trust...

God be merciful to me on Thy grace, I rest my plea

Plenteous in compassion Thou Blot out my transgressions now

Wash me, make me pure within Cleanse, oh, cleanse me from my sin

My transgressions I confess Grief and guilt my soul oppress

I have sinned against Thy grace And provoked Thee to Thy face

I confess Thy judgment just Speechless, I, Thy mercy trust

I am evil born in sin Thou desirest truth within Thou alone my Savior art

Teach Thy wisdom to my heart Make me pure, Thy grace bestow

Wash me whiter than the snow

Gracious God, my heart renew Make my spirit right and true

Thy salvation's joy impart Steadfast make my willing heart

Steadfast make my willing heart Broken, humbled to the dust

By Thy wrath and judgment just Let my contrite heart rejoice

And in gladness hear Thy voice From my sins, oh, hide Thy face

Blot them out in boundless grace...

I have had this song on my heart all day since I sang it in church this morning I just feel oppressed today and stressed and like things just aren't coming together or lining up Steve and I were very short tempered with eachother today We just couldn't seem to find our common ground or our happy balance we usually strike and then i had to work and in 5 min time I had to ask my oldest dearest friend an important question on the phone. I sat down at my desk ready to clock in taking long deep breaths and just praying for some peace some stillness some mental quietness and rest from the Lord... He was faithful! Now tonight about to go to bed and the rush of things is over taking my brain its been such a busy couple of weeks and about to get busier as the wedding draws nearer. Steve and I have to get our invitations out in the next 2 weeks. We have to pay off the Cake and flowers by Sept 10. We somehow have to find time to look for an apt have i mentioned we never really see eachother haha My best friend isnt going to be able to make it down for the wedding i'm sad about this seeing her and hugging her kids was something i was really looking forward too but her family is struggling and I want what is best for them truth be known i feel selfish for being sad she can't come the money they'd spend is much better spent on them right now. Steve is so worried about our new car which seems to be having a problem with the trasmission that he gets nervous driving it and so doesn't want to push it. Can i just say for the record I'm sooo tired of the health of our car controlling our lives! I feel like i've hurt or made my oldest dearest friend feel bad for asking her to be my bridesmaid at the last minute like she's a lesser friend when in truth she is the most precious friend God has given me besides Steve. We're really starting to worry if Steve's family will make it out for the wedding... We have so many wedding details and i don't have the answer as to how they'll be resolved I think I understand why people elope but then again if you're only gonna get married once and I am you wouldn't know about this stress til you were in the thick of it...I feel like I never get to sleep anymore haha getting a job seemed to spiral alot of our lives out of control and Steve and I are trying so hard to hang on and know God is faithful and I'm clinging trying to cling and Cast all my cares on Him. Its so easy to feel attacked and 2nd guess I keep reminding myself this is time God has given us to prepare for marriage to teach us how to be married and these lessons this stress will all be benefit to serve us and Him in the future.

Speechless I thy mercy trust....I cast all my cares upon you... I stand firm and know you work everything together for the good!!!

Praise God!